The Sarcastic Cynic™

Sarcastic and cynical view of the world.

Sri Air, and experience in comfort. Sri Lankan Expense cards warmly accepted. — January 14, 2014

Sri Air, and experience in comfort. Sri Lankan Expense cards warmly accepted.

Sri Air, an experience in comfort.

On board Sri Air, Non-stop service to Boise, Idaho, featuring a soft-speaking effeminate sounding flight leader,  a polite black male,  a mustachioed little fat man, a  red-haired blonde white female, and hard-working polite black male.

My neighbors: a man from India, a Mitt Romney from Utah, and curly.

Price: €5. Sri Lankan Expense cards are warmly welcomed on all Sri Air flights. MasterCard, Visa, Discover and Diners Club are also accepted.

How nice to warmly accept my plastic for payment. I hear [coffee, coffee! coffee]. The little fat guy is screaming. I was getting ready to jump to action. I could hear him clearly through my Miguel Bosé signature Noise Canceling headphones. Now everybody who sings has a new gimmick to make someone more money. “Do you have a napkin?” I ask the little fat man who is picking up the trash he just created. He raises his eyebrows in a peculiar way. He’s trying to tell me, by his expression that he is only picking up trash.”Bring them later I tell him before [a ding???turbulence! cruising at 34 thousand and please remain in your seats…co-pilot announces] I short-circuit his eyebrows.

So far a very nice flight to Boise, Idaho where I will meet Edward and his son Martin. He was born over 25 years ago, Edward married recently Beata, Martin’s mother. My first ski trip of the year. [Double ding and hear nothing else] Napkins still haven’t arrived 0830. I’m going to wait for eyebrow little fat man to see if he does return with my napkins.1203031746a

Seated next to me is a man from India and a crossword, corduroy, yellow checkered, vest white-haired man. He’s studying the puzzle before he puts pen to paper.

[Ding seat belt sign is turned off] still no napkins and no little fat man!

Watching trailers for some crappy movies…Jackie Robinson, a study in racism. Nothing much has changed in the United States of America #42 a number Mariano Rivera retired with this year with the NY Yankees has also been retired by The Mayor Baseball League, MLB. Do they think the can erase racism with this gesture.

The Wolverine, R.I.P.D.,THE PURGE, Pain & Gain, , Pacific Rim. I’m throwing away better movies on DVD, than these on board Sri Air.

I give up waiting…I ring the call button and the fight leader tells me the napkins are in the restroom. I don’t need female sanitary napkins. I guess he misunderstood my hand gestures. It’s very difficult to hear passengers when they’re being drowned by the din of the wing and engines and two other guests. Mr. X-word, is probably wearing Dependability diapers, and mr. Idaho is sleeping like a baby. He just adjusted his legs to slide further in under the seat in front of him.

2 Guns, Adore, more air bubbles percolating in the atmosphere. bumps in the air but no ding. Adore…talk about a complicated relationship. Provocative and troubling…

Mothers  in action…an increasingly complicated relationship. Liaisons with danger, Adore…”I don’t want to stop. I don’t see why I have to.”

Imagine me falling in love with my best friend’s daughter and he mine. Would never happen but Woody Allen did something more outrageous. He married Soon Ji, his step daughter.

The East, experience the horror of your crime. More adjustments by Idaho. Now we’re knee to knee. Conjuring,

Pretty black woman wearing red and black, tripped over someone in the aisle. She looks back to see damage and continues to restroom.

Fast and Furious 6… Rest in Peace, an actor died yesterday while seated in the passenger seat of a Porsche. They might have been filming without a permit. Saw news in Fayetteville, NC. I drove up yesterday using Interstate road 95 in a Hinid Discord at the speed limits mandated by the counties intersecting 301. This is a dangerous road for speeders, tickets are gladly given by The Great Gatsby,

Water run skips us…Idaho wakes up…red head avoids us because of the man in the aisle. She moves on to the front of the plane. First time I see this flight attendant. Seen the three black men numerous times. The whites are hiding.

The Hangover III, “I can’t believe my daddy is dead, I could think of many other people I would have preferred dying before him….like my mother…!”

Idaho rests both hands on the TV screen. He’s using his thumbs to tap the screen into action.

Ciao, arrivederci, good crew, minus the whites.

“I believe I can fly.” A line in this dumb movie.

The flight attendants seem to be avoiding eye contact with their guests. The 2 white ones rushed through without serving anything, to rows 27 – 20. Row 19 Yes!

Time to be obnoxious with my only weapon.

The shade…tall black, and little fat man walk by, going towards the front of this airplane, and no sooner than typing these few letters, the little fat man, makes a u-turn to return to hide in the cavernous galley of this 757 200-E.1203031018a

Time to order food.

I have to ask Idaho if he ever intends to get up, and I don’t mean that kind of get up men experience in their sleep. Another walk through and no cart is present. I ask the tall black gentleman if they’re going to do a second service by asking if he is going to come out with the cart. I ask for Coke and two bags of peanuts, Curly looks back at me. Nosy curly sits in the aisle and I, in my prison by the window. Flying is not like what I used to remember doing. Cramped seats, grumpy old men, nosy curly-haired men. I guess I also qualify in the nosy,curly,grumpy category. The coke and peanuts are still not here. I don’t know about…”Sir!” I hear someone exclaim. “Oh, thank you.” I respond. I like this crewman. I think he’s an asset to this airline. I will write a commendation. He is the most gracious, polite, sharp dressed young man of this crew.

They finally let me get out for good behavior. I slide quickly across three seats before, white hair changes his mind. The two instead of stepping out into the aisle on the same side, bookend end me between them. White hair is tall and Idaho is not as tall. I tap white hair. He glares at me, looking down his nose at puny little me. I know his type. They run for president of the United States of America and pay no taxes. A la Mitt Romney.

I go towards the lavatory by the second left side door of the plane where I’ve been watching with envy many people emptying their bladders.  A woman I’ve seen numerous times get up to go to the bathroom , jumps up ahead and in front of me. Darn it. I race to the other section and before the three vacationing flight attendants intercept me I reach for the handle.

I open the door and breathe a sigh of relief. Upon exiting the lavatory, I notice the red-haired one is still holding a blue tray with cups filled to the brim with water. That’s about two hours since she missed our row. What a strong woman! I also notice the two men with their smart phones busy tapping away. No wonder they disappeared. They’re too busy enjoying the internet and talking to each other. Sri Air might like to read about their actions. I’ll have to inquire about their “service standards.”

I stop by the galley where people have been serving themselves for about 2 hours. She approaches me and rudely tells me about her job security. I had taken a cup and filled myself one with water from a large bottle. I’m dehydrated and suffering from leg cramps. Flying really is not what I used to remember. The seats seem even more cramped than ever. I wonder if I can sue Sri Air, for damages and lack of service. I fill two cups and ask for a third because she has emptied the bottle I was using. Job security indeed! This woman should perhaps curb her tongue and do some customer service. There she goes again to the front of the cabin.

I return to my seat and White hair tries to put me back in prison. I refused his “kind” offer. Idaho is still not back. I continue to the rear galley where I run into a hippie that has the most walking mileage on this flight. It will be a minute he yells to his wife who is about ten rows away. “What,” is all I lip read. Hippie wants to know gates and locations of airlines in Boise.

I enquire about the food and find it unacceptable at those prices. I’ll eat at Idaho’s finest Chinese restaurant. P. F. Chang’s!

Oh my, the woman is returning from the front carrying nothing. She must be resting her arms.

I return to my row, but instead of sitting down I stay by white hair who ignores me. Good! I see the Captain exit his work area to use the bathroom and I see the little black man run to the second galley. He takes from the food cart, a fruit and cheese plate and a sandwich. The Captain accepts the unacceptable food. It’s sad how the little fat man, fawns to this “god of the air.”

Little mustache is still in his cave..oops he just goes by to talk to sharp, polite flight attendant in second galley.

Outside it’s still cloudy, sunny and hot and cold. Here comes the cart with little mustache going backwards. Where’s “job security?” 1:16 to go 10967m, flying over Colorado. Near Boulder.

We’ve landed and I start to put my stuff away. I pick up X-word’s paper to see how much he has done. He’s an amateur crossword solver. Not much in 5 hours. [photo]Crossword Puzzle_20140115_0001

When I exit, there are still passengers inside the tube that carried us to Boise, and there is no one to greet me at the door! to say good-bye and to thank me for flying Sri Air. I look back and notice an uniformed flight attendant in the premium economy section of the plane. “Oh I work for the airline, I’m going home,” she tells me when I ask her why she is still sitting there.

I thank Moonique and Tawanda, after they place a sticker on my boarding card. I am the tail of the boarding conga line. I reach my seat and …

There’s someone seated in my seat.

Indulge, relax, and rejuvenate with a visit to Serenity Spa by Westgate. This world-class facility is a full-service, mountain retreat-style spa. Let us pamper you in a grand setting that will surely be a highlight of your stay. With 30,000 square feet of luxurious treatment rooms and magnificent amenities, Serenity Spa by Westgate promises a vacation within your vacation.1203031817

Too bad flying is not like this advertisement in my hotel. Breathe in and relax.1206031112

Here is the corrected version of the crossword puzzle.

Crossword Puzzle_20140115_0003

Sent from my dumB iPad

The Airlines Need to Improve Service Drastically. It’s Too Damn Slow! — July 13, 2013

The Airlines Need to Improve Service Drastically. It’s Too Damn Slow!

After going overseas to Istanbul this summer, I can attest to how slow and tedious travel has become. The lines to pay for a visa to enter Turkey were long and attended by two persons. One was selling visas and the other was watching a basketball game on his television. The baggage wasn’t even delivered when we cleared passport control. On the return trip to the States, the walk from the last gate at Delta’s new terminal 4 was never-ending. That’s a ridiculous distance to have to walk. Even the electric walkways, which were too short, were not all working. And this is a new terminal? The lines at Immigration were so long that we have decided to continue our travels in the future to the U.S. I can’t believe that an agent of the airline was saying that it is never like this. I fly often and it’s always like this at New York’s John F. Kennedy International Airport.

Confessions from flight attendants Pet peeves (and a few tips) from the folks who serve you at 30,000 feet. — January 5, 2013

Confessions from flight attendants Pet peeves (and a few tips) from the folks who serve you at 30,000 feet.

By George Hobica
January 6, 2013

Ever wonder what flight attendants really think of you? What they’d tell you if they had the nerve? Or weren’t afraid of being fired? What secrets would they reveal about their jobs?

Several of my friends work as flight attendants. One of them recently retired after 20 years flying for a storied name in commercial aviation. Others work for less glamorous domestic U.S. airlines. I asked them what they would say to their passengers if they could or what bits of wisdom they would reveal if granted anonymity. These folks do not represent every flight attendant in the skies, so if you’re a flight attendant, feel free to disagree and send comments to But I didn’t make this stuff up. What you read here may surprise you or make you laugh or both.

Here are some of their confessions.

You know that coffee you ordered? It may be decaf even though you asked for regular. Flight attendants told me they would rather you sit back, relax and fall asleep so you don’t bother them.

When they “arm” the doors on your aircraft, flight attendants check the work of their colleagues at the opposite door. You hear it often: “Arm doors and cross check.” Despite all the cross checking, they err occasionally and forget to arm the doors, which means the emergency slides won’t automatically deploy if needed in an emergency. It’s a fireable offense.

Airlines used to pay their flight attendants when they showed up for duty at the airport. Not now. That changed to getting paid when the cabin doors closed, then to when the plane’s brakes were released and now, often, when the wheels leave the ground (“wheels up” in airline parlance). There can sometimes be hours of delay between the time they show up for work and when they’re airborne. Different airlines have different policies, but it’s a way for them to save money. So when flight attendants greet you at the door, it’s very often for free. No wonder the smiles sometimes seem fake.

If a flight is late, the airline might have to pay overtime. If the flight is going to be late anyway, flight attendants have been known to delay it even further in order to make sure overtime kicks in, which can mean up to double the hourly pay.

A flight attendant can upgrade you to business or first class after the airplane’s doors close, but they don’t do it often. That’s partly because on some airlines that requires filing a report explaining why it was done, partly because there has to be a meal for you and partly because the forward cabins are often full. Whom do they upgrade? Not, they said, the slob who’s dressed in a dirty tank top. It helps if you’re extremely nice, well dressed, pregnant, very tall, good-looking or one of their friends.

Taking your computer or a newspaper into the lav is a problem because it means you’ll be occupying longer than you should. Don’t do it.

You can ask a flight attendant what part of the country or world you’re flying over at any given moment, but chances are he or she won’t know. Flight attendants are not, after all, flying the plane.

Passengers who do deep knee bends in the galley while flight attendants are trying to work should go do them somewhere else. You won’t get deep vein thrombosis on a short flight.

Jiggling your glass of ice at a flight attendant doesn’t prompt better service. It might, in fact, have the opposite effect.

When a flight attendant asks you what you’d like to drink and you ask, “Well, what do you have?” they want to answer, “Not a lot of time.” Look at the inflight magazine or just guess.

When a flight attendant asks you what you want to drink and you keep saying, “Huh?” because your earphones are in, that ought to be a clue to take them out. After about the fourth time, they’ll either move on or bring you a Coke.

Sometimes they ask the captain to leave the seat belt on long after the turbulence has ended so they can serve in clear aisles.

On night flights, they sometimes hold off on meal service as long as they can on the chance you’ll be asleep. Fewer passengers to serve and all.

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